Aries (March 21 – April 19):
Today, the universe, in its infinite jest, will fling opportunities at you like a hyperactive waiter tossing bread rolls. Seize them, but beware: one might be a cunningly disguised tax form. Trust your instincts, which are currently arguing over whether to wear socks with sandals.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
The stars suggest a day of stubborn brilliance. You’ll solve a problem that’s been orbiting your mind like a slightly drunk satellite. Avoid petty squabbles—unless they involve who gets the last slice of cake, in which case, deploy your finest rhetoric.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
Your brain is fizzing with ideas today, like a soda can shaken by a particularly enthusiastic toddler. Write them down before they escape into the ether. A chance encounter with a stranger could lead to a conversation so bizarre it deserves its own documentary.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
The cosmos advises you to cocoon yourself in comfort, but not so tightly you miss the absurd parade of life outside. A kind word to a friend will ripple outward, possibly causing a minor tidal wave of goodwill. Or at least a smile.
Leo (July 23 – August 22):
You’re the star of your own show today, strutting through existence with the confidence of a peacock in a room full of mirrors. Use this radiance wisely—charm, don’t dazzle. A small risk might yield rewards, like finding an unexpectedly excellent sandwich.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22):
Your knack for detail will be tested as the universe tosses you a puzzle with half the pieces missing and instructions in an alien language. Embrace the chaos; you’ll find a solution by teatime. Avoid overthinking—it’s like trying to herd cats in a windstorm.
Libra (September 23 – October 22):
Balance is your game, but today the scales might wobble like a unicycle on a tightrope. Lean into decisions with grace, and you’ll land upright. A fleeting moment of beauty—a sunset, a song—will remind you why life’s worth the juggling act.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):
Your intensity burns brighter than a supernova with a point to prove. Channel it into something constructive, lest you accidentally intimidate the postman. Secrets may surface; handle them with the finesse of a cat burglar in a room full of lasers.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):
Adventure calls, probably via a wrong number that leads to a wild goose chase across town. Embrace the detour—it might end in a revelation or at least a decent coffee. The stars urge you to dream big, but maybe check your shoelaces first.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):
Your practical side is arm-wrestling your ambitions today, and the match is a draw. Push forward with a plan, but don’t expect the universe to hand you a map. A quiet moment of reflection will be more valuable than gold, or at least Wi-Fi.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):
The cosmos has wired your brain to a cosmic switchboard, sparking ideas that could light up a small city. Share them, but don’t be surprised if someone mistakes your genius for lunacy. A random act of kindness will boomerang back unexpectedly.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20):
You’re swimming in a sea of intuition today, with currents pulling you toward strange shores. Trust the flow, but don’t drift too far from reality—you’ve got emails to answer. A creative spark could ignite something wonderful, like a poem or a really good omelet.